Helping teens evaluate their drug use

You’re worried that your son or daughter might have a drug problem and most of the time when you try to talk about it, you end up arguing and getting nowhere.

We understand your frustration. It’s hard to see your kids doing things you don’t feel good about. It can be even harder helping them to see a problem when they don’t think there is one. Don’t give up. You can get through to your son or daughter.

Often, it can feel like you and your teen are in opposite corners—more like adversaries than partners. This usually happens because you are trying to get your son or daughter to see your point of view. Your intentions are good, but sometimes your approach prevents your teen from being able to really hear you.

If you want to get through to your son or daughter you will have to step back and try not to let your emotions get in the way of what you want to say. You might start by saying something like, “I’m not an expert and I don’t know if you have a problem or not. That’s something that you will need to decide for yourself or with a counsellor. Because I am concerned about you, I’ve been doing my homework and learning everything I can about what a problem looks like. You’re absolutely right—not everybody who uses has a problem. Maybe you don’t, but maybe you do.”

You may be more successful in talking with your son or daughter if you learn from the approach a counsellor would take. If your son or daughter talked with a counsellor, the two of them would look at four basic things:

1. Tolerance: The counsellor will ask how much the teen is using and whether the amount the youth has used to feel high is increasing or decreasing since they first started. A change in how the body handles a drug is one of the signs that someone may be using too much.
2. Physical dependence: The counsellor asks several questions to determine whether the teen has developed physical dependence. What happens to the teen when they are coming down from the high or sobering up from the drunk? Are they experiencing hangovers? How bad are the hangovers?
3. Psychological dependence: Does the teen think they function better when they are high or that they need a drink in order to face certain people or situations? These are signs of psychological dependence.
4. Effects of use: How is the alcohol or other drug use affecting major life areas such as family, school, job and relationships? A counsellor would also look at the opposite side of this question—what’s going on in the major areas of the teen’s life that is contributing to the alcohol or other drug use? This link between use and effects is probably the most important point to consider.

It’s important to know that a kid can have a problem without being physically addicted to a drug. Some teens are able to see the problems that their use is creating and stop because they don’t want the problems to continue. They might choose to stop using long before they become hooked, physically or psychologically.

Reality bites

Let’s be realistic. Your teen is not going to agree to see a counsellor just because you want it. In fact, if the teen doesn’t see a problem, he or she will probably resist this idea pretty forcefully! That doesn’t mean that you should give up.

What does work?

Talk to your son or daughter as if your role was to coach or guide them. Work with them instead of against them. Remember that your role has changed—you are no longer there to order, direct and protect the same way you did when they were little. You now have an opportunity to take a different approach to being a parent.

You might try saying something like, “Let’s talk about where you are right now and then you can decide whether there is a problem.” Then you can explore the four things a counsellor would talk to them about, but don’t feel that you have to go through all of them—not unless you know enough about the drug, for example, to know what a change in tolerance means about that particular drug. Probably the easiest and most productive area to focus on is the effects on major life areas.

Remember that your discussion might go along smoothly for awhile and then get derailed! If you or your teen gets angry or upset, stop the discussion for now. The problem didn’t develop in one day and it won’t be resolved that quickly either. It’s better to take two steps forward and feel good about the progress you have made than it is to push too hard and end up taking three steps back. You had a good relationship with your teen once, and with patience, you can get it back.

If you don’t get anywhere after trying a few times, you might want to talk to a counsellor. A counsellor can help you work through your frustration and offer tips and ideas about how to communicate with your son or daughter.

It’s really important not to try the discussion on the back of this page if you are angry or disappointed with your son or daughter because of something they just did. Don’t try to talk to your teen if they are under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. Instead, pick a day when you are both calm.

For more information

We understand that everyone’s needs are different. Whether you want to prevent your child from using alcohol, tobacco or other drugs, or you want to help your child deal with a drug problem, we can help. Information and prevention programs, group and family counselling, outpatient and residential treatment, and the Protection of Children Abusing Drugs program are offered by Alberta Health Services and its funded services to help your child and your family.

For more information and to find an addiction services office near you, please call the 24-hour Helpline at 1-866-332-2322.