It Only Gets Harder
by Mandy
Life is so hard these days,For so many.I want to help People I dont people to go through what i have, I wanna Get my life story off my back.I was born March 6 1986,My Name is Mandy.
My father is an alcholic/attic my mother is a wonderful christan woman I have an older sister and a beutiful strong brave lil baby sister who is 10 now.I dont remember much of when i was small but I remember always hearing the yelling i remember waking up all hours of the night and early morining to my father hurting my mom , mom was crying dad was yelling throwing things always puttin all of us down...Me and my older sister would try to get him mad at us instead of mom but it just got him madder at her. I remember dad comeing home from work and sitting down mom me and my sister's were his little slaves he did nothing we always had to bring him beer food everything...It was hard when something went wrong me and my older sister always got blamed weather we did it or not we always had to admit to him we did it and suffer conaquences.For years and years we all put up with daddy, He never hardly knew are names, it was always
You little c-nt, You dumb b-tch, you are a wasted piece of skin,you F--kin fat A$$, you piece of shit, You will never be anything, Your usless your nothing, I am ashamed you my daughter, it was always stuff like that everyday i herd this as well as the rest of my family,Dad was mean to us I remeber him picking up little sister by the hair and threw her off the couch she was only 2.The same day i was drink from a glass cup when he smashed it in my face,Ther were days mom would get us and we would sleep in the car in parking lots to get away from him,Things went on that way for years after. When i was 13 i went to a camp for the week-end i came home mommy was gone, so were my sister dad made them leave and he would not let mom take me with her i came home to my whole family gone, at the time i was so afraid13 days after they had left me behind dad moved a new girlfriend in the house at first she was nice then she was always yelling at me they were both drunks,This happend for 6 months ,she would chase dad with knife she was crazy I always got blammed for it for the first 4 months i did talk to mom i was so angry they left me,when i saw her,She was suffering from anerxia she was down to 80lbs , when i woould go there she was always sleeping she was to sick to stay awake for more than 15 minuets, she was so sick and i was so mad at her,Finally i moved in with her,Money was tough,We struggled for food and are needs but it workd out,just after i moved in with mom we moved to st.albert things were good i was in a realation ship of 1 1/2 years at the time me and my hime broke up i was in grade 10 at this time i dropped out of school and started drinking every night, I was in the bar always.then i started selling and smoking weed all the time,Me and my ex got back together thing were good ,My dad had medican problem by now so me and my boyfriend moved in with him it was so so hard same alcholic but he needed me and after all he was my dad.After living there 4 months rough as hell, me and my boyfriend broke up again this time i was heading for the worst he moved out i met new people in edmonton i got in to drugs,I stopped going back home i was livin on the streets with my friends and the drugs, I was Into Crystal Meth first it was all good, so i though,But it was cold some nights sleeping out side and in open cars.I started then doing Extacy As a stupid teen i was in my lil world loveing this,I loved my drugs they made me i went from 120lbs to 85-90lbs it was all good and i was confident why because i was on drugs,From there i started crime,Little B&E's Car hopping for drug money,Then Jackin up kids whoever,Then stealing cars,well i got arrested and tossed in E.Y.O.C I was there for a week or two and out i had not intentions of doing drugs again after that i had 12 days clean in and then my friends didnt wana take no for an answer and neither did I at that point.So i did it,It was disaster i was sold the wrong stuff,i started to holusinate badly, I was see people who were gonna kill me and i though this little kid got them to, well i tried to go after this little boy probaly 12 or 13 i was gonna hurt this kid badly if not kill him, my friend thank god that i had ran into knew i was a mess and he knew i was on the wrong thing,he held me down and called secerity on me i was raging at the time but after i had to thank him, you think i learnt my lesson yet?? Of Course not from there i met knew people now it was bad,I met the gangs the hardcore people the criminals and met some of the H.A. I started Crack the money was all fraud money,stolen ripped off like i'm talking the 20-30 thousand dollars i could not believe it, So again i was Smoking my Jib And my Rock and things got better I met more people i started to Inject my Jib and i was still smoking my crack, Money would run out so we all had Jobs to get money Jack peopole at the back we had a bunch of stolen Credit Cards,Hell we always would get money some how,ya know the saying all good thing come to an end well it was getting close after 3 months of living this large with the cash and drugsNot to mention the beating peopple the lieing ,stealing,cheating,Well I lived in a crack shack come on now these people were my friends,The Money was gone we were in dept with 4 Crack Dealers about $8000 al together and my friends were attics who cares about the dept they were out of crack,So they got a Dealer Over a New one,He would not front them so they set it up The girl I lived with came at me when i walked in the door they had set up an arrangment when i was not there she grabbed me by throat dragged me into a bedroom threw me down behind her followed 2 big black men they came in by this time i was crying and trying to fight them off i had no luck i am 5'2 the were 6'1 at least the ripped my clothes and i mean ripped i tried to fight i tried and tried they proceded to rape me they hit me hurt me yelled they did not stop I cried and yelled and begged how could do the do this to a little girl that what i was a little 16 year old girl,when they were done i was bleeding out of the rectum and my front i ran to the bathroom and got in the shower the blood ran down the drain my face was black from my make up and my face rad swolled i was throwing up i was a mess.They left, I was devistated i was hurt i was depressed. it passed we had money they again we ran out a dealer and old "friend" of mine came over when i was not in the room He passed of an 8 ball of Jib to my "Friend" My "Friend" The dealer said he had to talk to me so we went into the bedroom he locked the door i got scared Good thing i had a real friend there,He proceded to try to kiss me and all that i didnt want to i hated guys by then but he kept trying i kept saying no then my friend knocked at the door she came in and this guy was behind me so he could not see my face she said are you okay? I liped no dont leave me,she understood she would not leave he tried to make her he threw her arround that girl didnt budge but he was bigger he threw her out and locked the door, he grabbed my legs threw them up and was getting between then she broke that dam door down freaked said she was calling the police i knew she was just saying that he left and said he was going to kill us, sure enugh they came back we had to hide in a appt building in the halls runnin from them,they were gonna stabb us they didnt find us until my other friend arrived ther he was a big guy and so were his friends the dealer got beat by my friend it was all good,But still i wanted to do my drugs i went back to the crack shack,Did lots more drugs but this time i had an over dose,I dont remember it but my friends say that i was turning blue and twitching and i just stopped breathing and i had no pulse my 2 people ther wanted to throw me out the window but the "friend" the one who traded me for drugs Did moth to mouth i came to..I knew then i had to stop i really did i was so messed i was emotionaly wrecked,But it was hard 2 days passed i was in trouble now with a dealer who wanted to kill me i was in dept again so at 3 am i called my mom after not talking much to her in a long time i said i wanna quit drugs she came and got me i had bad withdrawl i was freaking out i was in holding cells i got out of hand she had to phone the police,well my social workers did.i was on my way to YYC when the bed were full so again i moved to my dads and got into your program its the best thing i did,i didnt finish but i didnt go back to drugs yet i am hoping to stay clean and sober , I got back with my Boyfriend agian and i was doin well it turnes out he was doin coke when we were apart for those months we moved back in with my dad things were bad me and him were clean and sober my dad was still a raging alcholic for 4 months we lived with him then we both though we needed better enviroments so we each moved back home its been two weeks since i have moved back in with my mom,I have no friend because i can't they are all bad new i have to meet new people and i will,Right now thoughi am not well I am so sad,hurt lonely and i feel like using,I have not really dealt with the issues you have just read,the are makking me so sad depressed,I wanna end my whole life but my mom and my little sister keep me going day to day,and everyday is a struggle to make it to the next,you can only take so much shit....This is not even half of what i have gone,now when hear people talk about how bad their life is i always ask Compared to what???????????
I need help with my emotinal side and dealing with this heart ach and hurt and pain.
Aadac helped me quit drugs it is up to me so stay clean no matter how sad or hurt i get drugs can't help me solve anything it may be easier but thats only when your high, I am not 17 I am a Grade 10 dropp out,And an emotionally Unstable person, but i am still here and if it done kill me it will make me stronger!
