Sometimes you may face roadblocks to getting your life back on track. You may have thought that quitting or cutting back on alcohol, other drugs, or gambling would mean immediate positive changes in your relationships. Sometimes, though, especially in the beginning, that is not what happens. Just as it may have taken time for important relationships to go downhill, now it may take time for these same relationships to improve.
Be honest
You may be under the microscope more these days as people are watching to see if the changes you have been talking about are real. Be honest when people ask about your substance use or gambling or want to know where you are going or who you are with. Honesty over time will go a long way to convince any critics you may have that, yes, you are trying!
Deal with past mistakes
Everyone makes mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up. Try putting your energy into doing things differently from now on. Let people know that you are sorry. Support your words with actions that show that you have changed. This can really help others see that you are trying and can lead them to forgive. Of course, if you are going to put energy into doing things differently now, you will also need to forgive yourself! Remember, everyone makes mistakes. It’s how we deal with our mistakes that counts.
Listen a lot
Good communication involves delivering your own message and respectfully hearing other people’s messages. While others are talking, try not to interrupt. Repeat back their main message so that they feel heard. Unfortunately, others may talk more at you (yes, this may mean lectures), especially in the beginning. Hopefully, as you show that you are listening, they may gradually relax, ease up on you, and start to use their own listening skills.
Deliver your message
Spend time thinking about what you want to communicate. You might write it down, rehearse it with yourself or talk to someone else about it. Consider how to best deliver the message (use of words) and where (supper table, in the car or when you have time alone) and when. Think about when conversations have gone well in the past and try to repeat what has worked.
Notice change in others
Any change in the right direction, no matter how small, can be noticed and celebrated. It feels good when others notice your efforts to make changes, so try to do the same for the people around you. Maybe a family member or friend is really trying to be supportive and noticing their efforts would be a step in the right direction.
Have some fun
Sharing fun can help to rebuild someone else’s trust in you. Renew or find an interest that the two of you have in common or an activity that you both like. Just go out and do something together: no need to talk non-stop about “the issue.” Have some fun!
Seek support
Sometimes sharing what is on your mind with others can be helpful. It can also be a great way to practise communication skills. Consider talking to a counsellor or a supportive friend, or maybe joining a self-help group. If you’re considering counselling, think about whether you want to go on your own or with someone else. Sometimes it can be helpful to go with the person you want to improve your relationship with. A counsellor can help both of you talk about issues and practise good communication skills.
Look after yourself
Eating nutritious meals and snacks and getting a good night’s sleep will give you more energy and put you in a better mood. Allow time for physical exercise and fun. Laugh every chance you get.
Be patient
Trust takes time and people may be cautious and want proof of repeated “good behaviour” before they are willing to trust you again. Be generous with your patience and be careful not to expect too much too soon. Rebuilding takes time! People who have successfully made important changes in their lives try and try again, learning each time about what works best for them. One conversation may not “change” the relationship but it can be one small step in the right direction.
Have hope
You do not have to wait for others to change: you can start the process yourself. Start today if you want. All it takes is for one person to start making changes and the relationship is guaranteed to change.
