It’s easy to think that social success is a kind of magic, something you either have or don’t, depending on your looks, talent or money.
Things like looks, clothes or a funny line might help you when you first meet somebody, but after that you’re going to need something more than a charming smile to offer. Once you get past the first five minutes of the relationship, other things really make the difference in whether someone else will like you and whether you will be comfortable with them.
The truth is that much of our ability to be socially successful is learned.
We actually have to practise. Think about the first time you tried something like snowboarding. You were probably nervous, you probably wiped out a lot, and you probably felt like everyone else was better than you were at it. But you probably got better at it as you kept trying. With time, it started to feel easier and more natural.
It’s the same with social skills: they can be learned, but they take practice. Your confidence grows with your experience, with trying new things, failing, trying again and eventually succeeding. It means taking a chance when meeting someone new or doing something new. It also means trying to keep things in perspective; the risks often are not as big as they look. Others are dealing with a lot of the same anxieties that you are. Keep your eyes open and learn by watching yourself and others. Also, learn to listen. Be sensitive to what the other person really finds interesting.
Drinking, smoking or using other drugs can sometimes seem like a shortcut to social success, but in reality it only leads us off track. Ask someone what they like about one of their favourite friends. Their answer will have nothing to do with alcohol, cigarettes, other drugs, or any of the skin-deep stuff we often rate far too high in importance.
