by Sherry Kerr
Friendship is one of the most important things in our lives. Friends help us figure out who we are and who we want to be. They help us decide what to do and how to do it. In tough times, a good friend can mean the difference between weathering the storm or going down with the ship. It isn't that a friend has to be ready with all the answers when things go wrong. Just being there, and being willing to listen, is often enough.
What you don't say says a lot.
Friends often don't realize just how much influence they can have. Patiently listening to what someone has to say is not as easy as you might think. Really listening—without interrupting to express your opinion or give advice—is one of the hardest things in the world to do. Most of us don't need someone to tell us the right thing to do. What we need is someone to encourage us and help us explore new possibilities. Having an audience as we talk the problems out can help the process along. You don't have to have all the answers to help. You just have to have ears, because good friends have good ears. A number of characteristics contribute to being a good listener and a good friend. Do you have them?
- When times are tough, do you really try to understand how someone else feels? Can you imagine yourself in your friend's shoes? You can do the most good by listening. Pay attention to your friend and also make a note of what they don't tell you. Encourage them to be open and honest and relaxed by not preaching or telling them what to do.
- Are you able to accept your friends as they are? Without judging? We all react differently in different situations. It doesn't help to try to force changes. Change comes from within and you can help the process along.
- Are you patient and willing to really help a friend get his or her thoughts clear and see alternatives? Can you put yourself on the same wavelength as your friend so that what you hear will be what they're actually saying? You shouldn't hesitate to ask questions like, "Is this what you mean?" if you're not sure you understand. Suggest and discuss ways of dealing with the problem.
- Do you always offer support? Do you encourage positive action? Offering to be there lets a person know that they won't have to take the next step by themselves. Provide direction to information and resources, which may help your friend sort through the problems and make the first step. Do you try to show your friends you believe in them? Insults are pointless. Your trust and understanding are critical.
- Can you keep a secret? Remember that the conversation is between you and your friend. Don't share what's been said. The honesty and openness you've been working so hard to build is based on trust. At the same time, you must try to realize when your friend is in a really dangerous situation or a destructive state of mind. If, after all your listening, things just seem to be getting worse and out of control, you'll have to tell another person what's going on.
- Do you know when you need to talk to someone else about what your friend is going through? Can you sense trouble? If you suspect your friend is in danger (such as thinking of suicide or experiencing physical, sexual or emotional abuse), you have to let someone else know. If the talking and your listening don't seem to be making the picture any clearer, or if your friend suddenly decides to stop talking and “forget” it, you'd better get help. It's okay to say that you're going to involve someone else. Your friend may protest, but chances are, deep down, they know it's time. A school counsellor or an adult you respect and trust is a good place to start.
- Can you swallow your pride? Don't kid yourself that you're some sort of saviour. Not all problems can be solved and not all people want to be helped. If your friend wants to talk, be there. If not, make it clear you will be there when they're ready. Don't push it.
Be a good listener and a good friend, but remember, people have to work out their own problems. There are no quick fixes. You can't repair someone else's life, but you can provide some of the tools.
